How Motherhood Changed My Personality

Yesterday, I watched my daughters debate which Pixar movie we were going to watch later that evening. Well, debate is a generous description of the full-on screaming match that had ensued. A few years ago, I probably would have left the room or encouraged them to be quiet by also yelling (yes, even psychologists yell at their kids sometimes). 

Yesterday, though, I was able to let the noise wash over me without reacting beyond privately hoping WALL-E came out on top.

This transformation from high-strung perfectionist to patient pragmatist is, in part, an example of the natural shift in personality that occurs across the lifespan. 

But, it is also the result of an intentional decision to develop the personality traits that would help me better align with my parenting values.

Motherhood and Personality

I study personality for a living. I develop and test strategies to intentionally nudge personality traits in clinical trials. These strategies are drawn from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and our data show that they help people worry less, open up more to others, decrease people pleasing, and more.

Making changes to your personality is a deeply personal choice. There is no universally optimal level of any trait. The right setting depends on what would best facilitate your goals and values.

Let’s use me as an example. I am high in conscientiousness. Most people would call that a good thing and it is. This trait helps me build a career in a competitive field, keep a tidy house, finish projects, and show up on time.

But you can have too much of a good thing. When conscientiousness is really high, it can tip into rigid perfectionism. The same trait that gave me an edge at work became a liability at home.

Naps are the example I always come back to. As a planner, that hour was spoken for. It was my window to catch up on email or load the dishwasher. So when one of my daughters skipped a nap or woke up early, I'd get thrown off and flustered. When we’d play, my mind was on the tasks that weren’t getting done. My over-reliance on structure, which served me at work, was actively making me a worse mom.

How to Shift Your Traits on Purpose

When I noticed that my default settings were taking me farther from the parent I wanted to be, I decided to use the same techniques from my clinical trials on myself.

To downshift conscientiousness, I practiced flexibility in my thinking and small, deliberate changes to my behavior. Instead of “this has to get done today,” I was able to tell myself “this is an arbitrary deadline I set for myself (and who sets deadlines for folding laundry anyway?).” Or, “It’s okay that my I’m not as fast as responding to email, my priorities have shifted.”

These changes in my thinking made it easier for me to try on new behaviors. This looked like small shifts at first – playing outside with my kids for 15 minutes without bringing my phone, just leaving the laundry in the dryer and grabbing clothes as needed. 

When nothing catastrophic happened, I learned that there is actually some wiggle room between my typical standards and abject failure. That gave me data to back up the new way of thinking I was practicing. It also gave me the confidence to push myself farther. For example, I watched last night’s movie without multi-taking on my computer - and it was delightful. 

What This Means for You

Intentional personality change isn’t something that just works for me. The findings from my research studies show that, with 20 weeks of focused practice, my clients see roughly the amount of trait change that would happen naturally over 20 years of life.

Whether you want to soften some perfectionism, dial back chronic worry, or build the patience this stage of life demands — the science says it's possible.