Is It Possible to Be Too Extraverted?

"Main character energy" refers to the confidence, charisma, and self-assuredness that we often see in the main characters from our favorite books, shows, and movies. Embracing main character energy means taking a leading role in your life rather than living as a supporting cast member for others. Although this is generally something to aspire to, it may be possible to go too far.

Take Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw. She is charming, funny, and often very likable. At the same time, she’s pretty selfish about craving the spotlight. She can turn any conversation into a discussion about herself and seeks a high degree of external attention. Her main character energy (also known as very high extraversion) is both a strength and a liability that causes problems in her close relationships..

The Hidden Cost of High Extraversion

People who are higher in extraversion approach the world with energy and excitement. They tend to be talkative, assertive, and emotionally expressive, often performing well in professional and social settings. Sounds great, right?

But personality research tells us that very high extraversion is not a uniformly positive thing. For example, the excitement-seeking that makes extraverts so engaging in social situations can also show up as saying yes to plans you'll later regret or blurting out a comment in the moment that you'd take back if you could.

Next, extraverts tend to thrive on stimulation and variety, which can make routine tasks feel suffocating and create restlessness in relationships that don't constantly deliver something new.

Finally, high extraversion often comes with a strong pull toward the spotlight, which can inadvertently crowd out the people around you. 

Sharing the Spotlight

What can you do if your high extraversion leads steamrolling over others in professional or personal settings? First off, consider your values in relationships. How do you want to feel about yourself after the interaction? How do you want other people to feel about you? 

Sometimes, the rush we get from blurting out our ideas or making someone laugh comes at the expense of those around us. For instance, maybe your co-worker had a good idea to contribute but they couldn't get a word in edgewise and now they're feeling frustrated. Or, maybe your friend has a crush on a new acquaintance and you're doing all the talking at happy hour.

We often do things that feel good in the short term, but take us farther from our values in the long term. This awareness is a necessary first step.

Next, set up behavioral experiments in which you challenge yourself to let other people shine. Maybe you make a deal with yourself to contribute to this week's meeting only after everyone else has had a chance to speak. Or, if you notice you are starting to talk at the same time as someone else, cede the floor to them. When you frame these experiments around your values (e.g., I'm giving other people opportunities; people will see me as a cheerleader) it becomes easier to sit back.

Tuning the Dial, Not Flipping a Switch

It can be useful to think of your extraversion level like a dial you can adjust based on the needs of the situation. Instead of  trying to turn it all the way down permanently, you're learning to be more discerning about when you should take center stage or take a supporting role to others. 

Curious which of your trait dials could use some adjusting? My Personality Action Plan is the place to start.