Imagine you've spent years wishing you could be more assertive. You're tired of agreeing to things you don't want to do and putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own.
You know you'd be happier if you spoke up more often. So why is it so difficult to start?
Maybe you're afraid that if you stop being so accommodating, people won't like you anymore. Or that setting boundaries will damage relationships you care about.
We tend to think about personality change in terms of what we stand to gain. But sometimes, what keeps us stuck is what we're afraid we might lose.
Personality Traits Can Be Double-Edged Swords
Personality traits are patterns in how we tend to think, feel, and behave. And while certain patterns may create problems in our lives, they often come with advantages, too.
Take someone who is extremely high in conscientiousness. They might be exhausted from trying to do everything perfectly, but their attention to detail has also earned them praise, good grades, and later, professional recognition. Becoming more flexible sounds like a great way to decrease burnout, but what would happen if they relaxed their standards, or delegated a task to someone else?
Or consider someone who is high in neuroticism, meaning they tend to experience negative emotions frequently and intensely. They might wish they could worry less, but they may also believe that worrying helps them anticipate problems and avoid mistakes. What would happen if they let their guard down?
Even when we recognize that a personality trait is creating difficulties, we may be reluctant to give up the benefits we associate with it.
The Predictions That Keep Us Stuck
One reason personality change can feel threatening is that we don't know exactly what will happen when we start behaving differently.
If you've spent years avoiding conflict, you may have very little experience expressing disagreement and discovering that a relationship can survive it. If you've always prepared extensively for every possible outcome, you may not know what happens when you approach a task with less preparation.
Instead, your hypotheses about what could happen sound pretty convincing.
If I say no, they'll think I'm selfish.
If I stop worrying, something important will slip through the cracks.
If I put myself out there, I'll embarrass myself.
Staying in your comfort zone provides immediate relief from the possibility of something going wrong. But it also means we don't get the opportunity to discover whether our predictions are accurate.
Over time, we can become increasingly convinced that our familiar way of doing things is the only safe option, even when it's keeping us from living the way we'd like.
Put Your Predictions to the Test
Fortunately, taking baby steps outside your comfort zone can start the cascade of personality change.
Start by identifying a specific behavior you'd like to change and the consequence you're afraid might follow. Then design a small experiment to test that prediction.
If you're worried that people will be upset when you express a preference, try suggesting the restaurant the next time you make dinner plans with a friend. If you're concerned that relaxing your standards will lead to disaster, try spending a little less time polishing an email before sending it.
Pay attention to what actually happens. Did the consequence you feared occur?
One experiment probably won't change a deeply ingrained personality pattern. But as you collect more data (i.e., repeatedly trying out new behaviors and seeing what happens), you can update your expectations. And, over time, you'll start to become more comfortable shifting your default responses.
What If Your Fear Is Right?
Of course, sometimes the things we're afraid of actually happen.
If you experiment with being more assertive, someone might be disappointed when you say no. If you become less perfectionistic, you might make a mistake. If you put yourself out there socially, you might experience rejection.
It's your job to decide whether the potential benefits of behaving differently are worth taking those risks.
For example, someone working on becoming less agreeable might decide that being able to express their needs in a relationship is worth occasionally disappointing their partner. Someone trying to become less perfectionistic might decide that having more time for their family is worth submitting work that's good enough rather than flawless.
These decisions become easier when we're clear about why we want to change in the first place. Instead of asking whether a new behavior is completely devoid of risks, we can ask whether it moves us closer to the kind of life we want.
Change Doesn't Have to Mean Giving Up Who You Are
Changing can be scary, especially when your familiar behaviors have helped you feel safe for years. But becoming more assertive doesn't mean you have to stop being kind, just as becoming less perfectionistic doesn't mean you have to stop caring about doing good work. Personality change is about having more flexibility in how you respond, so that fear of what might happen doesn't keep you from becoming the person you want to be.
You don’t have to overhaul your personality to find out what might happen if you behaved differently. Start by taking my free Personality Compass Assessment to see where your traits currently fall and which patterns might be keeping you stuck. Then, my Personality Action Plan helps you turn those results into one small, strategic behavior change that can move you closer to the person you want to become.
